VITAL STATS
Name: Stephanie Kate Norris
Where I'm from: Bermuda
Where I live: Tianhe, Guangzhou
What I do: English teacher
How long I've been in China: 10 months

What is your favorite bar in Guangzhou and why?
The Loft, because it's the most diverse place in the city.
What do you love most about GZ?
The anarchy of the city planning.
What do you hate most about GZ?
The gweilos.
What do you do to relax on Sunday?
Get vaped in my pants with some DVDs.
What is your favorite Cantonese phrase?
Chat tom pay.
What is the greatest lesson China has taught you?
The importance of an under-wired bra.
Tell us a secret that nobody knows back home. . .
I don't own a shower. I'm serious...
What would you do if tomorrow you woke up Chinese?
Buy some really really skintight jeans and flaunt about in them.
What book changed your life?
The Outsider by Albert Camus, because I finally saw that teenage angst was real and not just in my head.
Do you have any phobias?
The sound of scraping ice.
What's the most embarrassing thing you have ever done?
A KTV session that evolved into an orgy and climaxed with broken bones.
What's your worst ever fashion mistake?
Well, I once had a homosexual boyfriend...
Which art masterpiece would you steal?
Anything by the artist Jenny Saville.
Who is your least favorite person in the universe?
Margaret Thatcher, but if she dies before this interview is published, then Bob Geldof.
The last time you looked in the mirror you thought…
Am I really overdressed?
If you knew the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do?
I'm not sure, but it would probably involve nudity, ice cream, and prescriptions...
What is the strangest thing you have ever put in your mouth?
I once ate a caterpillar.
If you were a James Bond villain, what would your secret base look like?
Like a dark, dingy Nazi dungeon.
Tell us a joke.
Why are pirates considered to be so angry? Well, I wouldn't say they're angry, just a bit aaarghh!
What is the sexiest word in the Chinese language?
Shashou!
What is the worst thing anybody has ever said about you?
"Stephanie? She's boring."
Which one living person do you most admire?
The filmmaker Nick Broomfield.
What is your best hangover cure?
Diet Coke, hot knives, and Codeine.
What is the best thing you can cook?
Marmite and avocado toasted-sandwiches.
Which three people, alive or dead, would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
The Marquis de Sade, the artist Lucian Freud, and the philosopher Simone de Beauvoir.
What record would you like played at your funeral?
Probably Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division, but nothing is fixed.
What is your most successful insomnia cure?
Orgasms.
When is it all going to end?
Sunday.
If we guaranteed you a clean getaway, who  who would you kill?
Harry Potter, the little wizardy twat.
Do ghosts exist?
Only in my apartment.
Which universally hated film do you secretly love?
Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
If you had to be a Spice Girl which one would you choose and why?
Scary Spice, because she's a beserker.
What is your favorite KTV song?
There's a really fantastic Korean tune called Tell Me. It's proper good!
Who is the most famous person you have met and what were they like?
Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth. He was a goofball, but in a great way.
What was the best day of your life?
A glorious English summer noon when I went to see the manor house where the Bloomsbury set hung out. Just perfect.
If you could sleep with one famous person who would it be?
Alan Rickman.
Quick! You are starting a band! What is it called?
Suck My Boob.
What would you say to Osama Bin Laden if you met him on the street?
"Hey, nice dress..."
What is your guilty secret?
I'm a little too fond of tranquilizers.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, to go on a visa run?
In a nutshell, what is your philosophy of life?
Try everything, absolutely everything, at least once in your life.
Have you lied since we started this conversation?
I merely told you what you wanted to hear.